Wednesday 28 April 2010

Calling a spade a spade

http://bit.ly/abIjqV
Today the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain made a gaffe by branding a woman he came across while campaigning a bigot, albeit in the privacy of his car, although stupidly with his mic still switched on. The whole episode has been referred to rather unoriginally as ‘bigot-gate’ making one wonder how long some of these British journalists spent studying their art.
The media more than anyone else has been up in arms about the incident with Sky News covering nothing else for a good part of the afternoon and evening much to ordinary people’s irritation. Rupert Murdoch’s band of merry men and women went to town with their public lynching of the Prime Minister. The video and audio of the incident has been played and replayed with subtitles, and various people analysing what the incident says about him. We had the supposedly impartial former conservative spin doctor, a journalist from the Spectator and several other not so gainfully employed pundits all give their take on what this meant for Gordon and for the election. One concluded that his reaction was as a result of Gordon Brown’s deep dislike for people. Yes that’s right folks; the Prime Minister is now a people- hating –gaffe-prone oddbod. He is also, we learned today often quick to blame other people and never himself. And finally we were told by the Sky News reporter that this is evidence that Gordon should not say anything in private that he would not say in public. Mais bien sur...that’s exactly what we upright citizens do isn’t it?

I can only hope that reasonably minded people will appreciate that although he did not handle the situation well and more than anything else it proved that one of his idiotic aides should get the boot for not spotting the microphone thing, it by no means warranted this level of media coverage. And to be frank, someone who makes a comment like ‘These Eastern Europeans, I don’t know where they’re flocking from’ is indeed a BIGOT of the highest order. Were she asking a constructive question about Immigration which is a legitimate campaign issue albeit one I feel is always used to score points with the prejudiced masses; I would sympathise with her and argue that Mr Brown should have discussed the issue with her sensibly and with respect. Instead she chose to go down the line of blaming these foreigners. Lest we forget not so long ago it was the Blacks who were coming here and taking our jobs, now it’s those Eastern Europeans. As Mr Brown sensibly pointed out, there may be a million of the Eastern Europeans in this country but there are equally 1 million or more British people in various parts of Europe exercising their right of freedom of movement as European Union citizens. In some cases their arrival en masse has resulted in countless difficulties for the local population. In many parts of France for instance, the British influx has meant an increase in house prices resulting in many French people not being able to buy property in their own home towns. In Spain the British have created mini-Blighty in parts like the Costa del Sol, becoming renowned for their excessive drinking and their inability to hold their liquor. Spain recently tried to rebrand itself in order to shake off the image of lager louts and tarts eating fish chips and throwing up in their once peaceful towns.

So, yes it does work both ways and if we’re really honest with ourselves, we will admit that many of the Eastern Europeans who come and work here do jobs that many of us will not want to do or they work for themselves in fields like construction. I appreciate that the experience of other people may vary but I work in a company that has over 100 staff and not 1 is Eastern European unless of course you count the contracted cleaners who arrive as we leave in the evenings. The representation of foreigners will vary from one sector to the other but before we make this election about ‘hanging’ the immigrants, let’s remind ourselves that outside of the United Kingdom, we too our immigrants. If the bigoted Mrs Duffy, who spouted her nonsense at Gordon Brown today would only agree to stay put in this country and encourage her grandchildren who we learned were stuck in Australia (perish the thought), if they could just stay here and not go to those foreign lands then perhaps we could all have a bit more sympathy for her. Until then I hope someone finds the courage to call a spade a spade in public when someone expresses narrow-minded views without fear of what shameless media houses like Sky News and the Daily Mail who would have us believe the immigrants are all out to get us, would have to say.

Tuesday 27 April 2010

Fun, happy go lucky black female seeking best friend

I bumped into an old uni friend the other day and aside from making a mental note that she looked quite good, albeit heavily made-up, our encounter left me a little green and questioning my social skills if not know, certainly back then when I was young and perhaps a little foolish. This self-consciousness came about because I asked after some old mutual friends of ours and was surprised to hear that she was still in touch with all of them. She then asked me if I was in touch with anyone from university which admittedly happened over 10 years ago and my response was a shameful No. In my defence, I added, it was because I had spent 10 years out of this country, working abroad and discovering life. Yet still there was an awkward silence probably brought on by the fact that even I had to admit in my head at least, that the real reason wasn't my absence but my inability to maintain friends from university.

I can honestly say though that I loved my uni days, had a blast, I made President of the African Caribbean society (ACS) in my first year which was quite an achievement for a fresher and organised all sorts of social activities including a trip to Paris with other UK university ACS members. I'd like to think I got on well with people and had a wide cross section of friends. However, somehow, disastrously I managed to ostracise four so-called friends including this chance encounter before university ended and my close group of friends were no more. Fortunately for me and my social life, I had made friends from other circles, so I wasn’t left feeling like a 'Betty No-mate' but this fall out definitely left me wondering if I was to blame.

As the premise goes, ‘there’s no smoke without fire’ so I had to admit to myself that I must have been to blame; after all, they can't all be wrong, can they? It was surely my bossy overbearing self that caused the problems? To be fair, the animosity was only felt by these four friends all of whom made it clear that they thought I had grown too big for my own ‘fresher’ boots. Nonetheless, instead of putting it down to a difference of opinion that should not reflect on my self-confidence, I think the experience ended up having far reaching consequences throughout my life.

Fast forward 10 years later and although I've travelled and met my closest friends in the world, I still feel as though there is no one person or two people for that matter that I can refer to as my best friend/s. Although this shouldn't make me feel inadequate as I am now a grown woman, with a husband, children, close family and friends, it somehow does. I love, in fact I adore my girlfriends and cherish the times we spend together but each one of them has someone they refer to as a best friend and for the most part this is someone they have known since childhood or at the very least since their time at university. I, on the other hand have made friends along the way, the closest ones being those I made during my stint in Uganda, yet none that I refer to explicitly as my best friend. This is not to say that I can't pick up the phone and call them when I choose or that we don’t make time for each other, there is nothing aside from the title that I lack in my close friends but I can’t helped but be filled with regrets that there is no one person that I share that extra special bond with. I couldn't say what it is as I haven't experienced it, at least not since primary school and perhaps it is more a figment of my imagination and reflection of my inadequacies than anything else. Yet the more elusive the character of a best friend is, the more compelled I feel to turn back the clocks and find one I can claim as my own.

I imagine this problem may be a purely feminine one or granted a 'me' one - but I think if we're honest with ourselves, we can all identify with the allure of a best friend. I don’t mean the kind you refer to your husband or wife as; rather the kind who knows you inside out and shared all your dreams and aspirations when you were young. The kind of friend that can give a speech at your wedding and talk about what you did when you were children and the promises you made to each other. How can this kind of relationship not be a source of envy to those of us who've forged bonds later in life? Best friends not only act as one's security in life in that they are steadfast but they also remind us that we are good people and capable of being loved. They remind us that we functioned well as children and have grown up to be adults who consider the feeling of others and who others want to be around. In short best friends validate us.

I have no idea what life would have been like had I remained best friends with the four girls from university, I suspect I am not worse off for it, having had a varied and very rich life so far, filled with fun and an array of friends. Rather than lament my lack of a best friend, I perhaps need to celebrate my many many better friends who allow me to be myself, warts and all and without whom my life would be a lot less enjoyable.

Thursday 22 April 2010

Is there such a thing as Facebook etiquette?

Although I’ve been a Facebook user ever since I received my first ‘please join Facebook and add me as your friend’ invitation, I can relate completely to those who choose not to join the social network. Admittedly I also admire their resilience especially as the social network now boasts over 400 million users and counting, and that 90% of their friends and family are already avid users. It takes some courage to keep saying no to invitations even though your curiosity is trying to get the better of you. I mean let’s face it who doesn’t love to look at people’s photos, see how they’re doing in life, scrutinise the background behind their children’s pictures – frown at the site of the fabric they choose for their curtains or at the amount of weight they’ve put on since we last saw them. Worse still that their wedding cake was a little tacky and their groom looked a little ‘mature’ and just a bit portly. We love it and probably do it more often than we’d care to admit. It takes a brave person to resist that kind of temptation and I am happy to put my hand up and say I am not that person. Nonetheless I have been recently contemplating leaving my Facebook account with its 134 friends (who I constantly have to cull to keep at a manageable number) and various notes which I’ve written, photo albums mostly featuring my children, yes I admit I’m one of those doting unbearable parents who thinks everyone wants to see pictures of their children aged 1-16. I have seriously thought about giving it all up so that I can exercise my freedom of speech once again which I am convinced is killed off by the yet unwritten but well known Facebook etiquette.

Let me explain: as you trawl through your ‘friends’ and their updated statuses boasting about their new homes, holidays, their undying love for their husbands and children, the latest party they went to, food they ate and their various achievements be-it professional or otherwise, you are more than a little inclined to comment. Now if like me you tend not to suffer fools in real life, you would ordinarily want to impart these same principles in cyberspace. For instance if someone, friend or acquaintance walked up to me and said how lucky they were to have been on the most fantastic holiday with their spouse who they had undying love for, my instant reaction would be to say ‘That’s nice for you’ and walk off. It’s not that I don’t love a good holiday story, in fact travelling is still my passion even though I don’t get to indulge as much as I’d like to, it’s all about the way you tell the story. Rather than telling you about a new country and its beauty, and recommend that you visit it (recommendations from Facebook friends are my personal favourite), what Facebook User no. 57,860 is doing is showing off. And let’s face it nobody likes a show off do they? Likewise I don’t want to hear stories about your issues – if you have money problems, your boyfriend has dumped you or you’ve recently discovered that your husband is having a cyber affair then please keep it to yourself – anything that you wouldn’t disclose to anyone other than close friends in real life should remain off your Facebook status in my humble opinion.

There are also those who do battle with their ‘friends’ on their status, declaring things like - ‘I’m stronger than all the Haters’ or my personal favourite - ‘those who thought they could break me, sorry to disappoint you’. Well, aside from rolling my eyes, I’m inclined to suggest these ‘hard nuts’ try not to take the saying ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ too literally. Why on earth would you give someone who you dislike or who dislikes you access to your personal information, thoughts, photos etc? Surely it would be much simpler to delete the ‘haters’ than to tell them in a vague and not even mildly threatening way that you are ready to ‘take them on’. Is this some form of passive aggression?

The difficulty I have with these types of status is the response they elicit – people seem to be constantly stroking each other’s ego. Is that really what ‘friends’ are for? The response to ‘My son has just been named the most gifted and talented child in his school’ meets with ‘oh wow, what a genius you gave birth to’ when really what you want to/should say is ‘Get a real hobby you pushy mum!’. Likewise the ‘I just got back from a fabulous holiday in Bali’ meets with ‘Lucky you, I wish I was there’ when really what you want to/should say is more like ‘I bet you missed your Facebook friends to gloat to didn’t you?’. Although I’m not bold enough to say some of these things, I can’t help but wish someone would be crazy enough to post a similarly brutally frank response. Now, I’m not suggesting for a minute that I don’t talk about my ‘social exploits’ – partying till late is a huge achievement for the boring old woman I’ve become so yes I will update my Facebook when I manage to stay awake at a party until the wee hours of the morning. Likewise if I enjoy something I will definitely recommend it to friends but I guess its all about moderation. If you can look at your status updates over a period of time and see only evidence of your ‘achievements’ and your life deemed fabulous by none other than yourself, then perhaps you are one of the users I’m talking about. If on the other hand you manage to balance the showing off with things that interest people other than you then you probably class as a well-rounded Facebook user and the type of person I’d happily befriend. Unfortunately more and more people seem to fall in the other category and make me lament staying on Facebook, I mean aren’t we politically correct enough in real life without having to endure so-called friends and their odd narcissistic ways in the name of Facebook etiquette?

This brings me on to the definition of ‘friends’ in the social networking world. Now I put my hand up and admit that indeed some of the people listed on my Facebook aren’t my friends in the Oxford dictionary sense of the word; they may be siblings/partners/friends of friends but I’m happy to keep them on my friends list as long as I find them engaging. I draw the line however at parents of friends, period, no matter how fun and ‘whacky’ they are, yes call me ageist but I’d rather not learn from my mother or aunt that ‘Aunty so and so’ thought my photos taken at a random party were a little risqué for a woman my age. The in-laws and ex boyfriends are also a tricky category; as a general rule I would say ‘avoid’ but if they’re harmless enough and don’t judge you or report back to your spouse when a friend of the opposite sex ‘pokes’ you or in the case of the exes start reminiscing about your defunct relationship, on your wall no less, then I guess they can stay. I also tend not befriend friends of friends who I have little in common with and find not even remotely interesting because what’s the point…no really, what is the point of that ‘friendship’?

My director recently scoffed when I declared in the office for all to hear that I didn’t think having colleagues on your Facebook was a good idea. She then teased saying she’d have to see about that, to which I responded ‘You’d have to find me first’ because of course as some of you more discernable Facebook users know, it is entirely possible to make your name unsearchable and your profile visible only to your friends. I am a firm believer in separating work life from personal life and within that personal life I think there should also be a certain level of privacy and privileged disclosure. I can count on one hand, okay perhaps two who my closest friends that I would happily divulge certain pieces of information about my life to. There are others who I think we can interact with on a ‘networking’ level because we share common interests. In between are the majority who we used to know, used to go to school with and have found thanks to a Facebook friend name search and although we’ve become re-acquainted, almost wish we hadn’t. I’ve been known to cull friends on a periodic basis because often the initial excitement of being in touch with a long lost ‘friend’ has worn off and I realise that it’s best if we spend another decade out of touch with each other. That way we can act surprised and feign delight when we bump into each other at the school reunion. On my culling list are also the spectators who quite happily observe others’ activities, scrutinise their photos, read their postings and contribute little or nothing themselves. I appreciate it may be because they have nothing to say or simply that they’re guarded, in my fiercely honest opinion though, whether it’s the former or the latter, they too need to be deleted.

I’m hoping that in a few months, perhaps a year’s time if I’m still one of the half a billion users, my Facebook will include real friends and interesting acquaintances who I can be brutally honest with when their showing off gets too much or when I get tired of seeing the 3976th picture of their newborn child. I suspect that day will see me having much fewer than the 134 friends currently residing in my Facebook space which may not be such a bad thing.

Thursday 15 April 2010

This whole sordid affair

You’d have to be blind and possibly deaf to have missed the stories of infidelity that have been populating the papers recently. There was Ashley Cole, John Terry, the now infamous Tiger Woods, Jesse James, to name but a few. In the US recently the beautiful Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon apparently outed her husband of 9 years by an email to his work colleagues for having cheated on her for 5 of those years. As a married woman or a woman dating for that matter, you cannot help but start sleeping with one eye open. Let’s face it, if beautiful women like Cheryl Cole, Sandra Bullock and the quintessentially Swedish Elin Nordegren can be cheated on, often with less than desirable looking women, then what chance do we ordinary cellulite-burdened females have?


I guess if I’m honest none of the stories came as a surprise, not because I could somehow foresee that these men were going to cheat but because a man cheating is hardly newsworthy in my humble opinion. It has been happening since time immemorial and I suspect will continue for as long as there are relationships. What is amusing is the media’s reaction to it all, their feigned indignation and readiness to crucify these men. Not that I’m suggesting for a second that they deserve anything less than crucifixion but perhaps not by the equally immoral members of the media. It also smacks of disingenuous journalism to pretend that it is shocking for a married man to be having a flirtatious exchange by text or twitter with women as was the case with former T 4 presenter Vernon Kay. Apparently they call it sexting and it is as bad as a full blown affair; that is according to the journalists who stalked him and covered the story with such fervour.

I can’t help but ask out loud ‘Who on earth are we kidding?’ Unless you’re a teenager, inexperienced, idealistic and a little ‘green’ where relationships are concerned, there is no reason for you to think that the majority of people in relationships, men and women alike go through their lives without what some would term ‘transgressions’ . Granted monogamy is the accepted norm but people like Bill Clinton, John Major, John F Kennedy, Prince Charles and then the more famous but less powerful Jude Law, Eric Benet and Hugh Grant do not have two heads. Nor are they from another planet, the only difference between them and the ordinary man in the streets is that they are public figures. We can scrutinise them thanks to the increasingly voracious paparazzi. So many of us are also quick to point the finger and start our public witch hunts as though we were so morally pure that these men have offended our very beings. It is hypocrisy in its highest form and rather than feed us with lies that infidelity is some shocking phenomenon that Tiger Woods invented, the media should be putting these stories into perspective. Infidelity happens and yes we caught these famous men with their pants down much to our delight but there is no need for psycho analysis babble about why men cheat or what women should do to stop it from happening. People cheat....and as the American adage goes ‘Get over it’.

Essence magazine ran a forum on infidelity – this very new phenomenon that requires our attention and understanding and I read a few exchanges with people, mostly men telling despondent women what they needed to do to keep their men from cheating. After a few comments about pleasing him and ‘taking care of your business’ – euphemism for giving him sex when he wants it, I thought to myself ‘enough already’ and switched off. I think it’s great that these affairs of famous people which have been made public gives us all something to talk about and creates an easy news story for the media but frankly after a while it all becomes a little dull. At a personal level, people should deal with their own realities and not succumb to pressure from society or the media. I’m almost certain that if the media had not been so vociferous about numerous affairs, a lot of these women would never have left their husbands having found out about their infidelity. I feel sorry for the likes of Sandra Bullock, Cheryl Cole, Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon and Elin Nordegren because even if they wanted to give their husbands a second chance, they would be compromising their public personas. The media would subtly chastise them by raising the issue at every opportunity and transforming them into either the stoic Mrs Clinton type whose ‘forgiveness’ was viewed as political expediency or the pathetic victim of infidelity to be pitied until they decide to walk away with what little dignity is left. Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon has removed her options having gone public herself, any u-turn now in favour of working things out with Mr ‘not even remotely cute’ Nilon would make her seem pathetic and desperate so the lesson perhaps is to work it out in your head and then your home before telling all and sundry. It may well be a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, but going back to a cheating spouse after swearing blind you won’t, may turn you into the headline guest at a Pity-fest!

One question I feel we should be asking is ‘Who are we to judge’ – how many of us can say with absolute certainty that we have never cheated, either physically or emotionally. Thanks to Facebook, we seem to be rekindling all types of previously defunct relationships, leaving ourselves open to flirtations which we would hate for our partners to see. To the one in a million who says that they do not and have never fallen in this category, I would commend them but add they are a rarity and rather than pretend that the exception is the norm, wouldn’t it be better for us to acknowledge and then find a way to deal with the norm. If every woman left her husband because of infidelity, many of us ‘children’ would not be here today.

The bottom line is that we must acknowledge that, like shit, infidelity happens – and it can happen to both men and women so let’s not for a second assume that this is a flaw reserved for the male species only. We then have to close the door to outside influences and work out the best way forward with our partners. There are no hard and fast rules and every relationship is going to be different but it helps to realise that you are not alone. In fact the female lawyer representing you through your divorce may well be going through the same thing and may have decided to stick with her unfaithful husband. If on the other hand you are not looking for solutions as this so-called ‘sweeping epidemic’ hasn’t hit you yet, then sit back and enjoy the various ‘kiss and tell’ stories but be careful how loud you laugh because your partner may have more in common with Ashley, Tiger, Bill and Eric than you realise.

Sunday 11 April 2010

Vive la difference

I’ve never quite understood why some people express mistrust, irritation and even disdain for those who are different to them. I understand that there will always be a tendency to gravitate towards the familiar but why should that also mean alienating the unfamiliar?


When I first left the UK to move back to Africa, I often gave my reason for leaving a predominantly white society for a predominately black one as my weariness with always having to apologise for myself. By that I mean that I had to either make myself small, blend in or try to justify my being so obviously different. I’m dark skinned so there is no way I could even ‘blend in’ even if I tried, I’ve worn my hair naturally for as long as I can remember, and my personality..... well let’s just say I’m no wallflower. Granted my reason for emigrating sounded was a little political, putting it into context, I was twenty- something, opinionated and thought I had the answers to all the ills of the world.

Having calmed down and returned to my adopted country i.e. the no longer very great Britain – I can’t say I feel as though I have to apologise for my being but I do think that things have stayed the same more than they’ve changed and many people would feel a lot more at ease if we just all blended in.

As crazy and cosmopolitan as London is, at a micro level, colleagues and friends prefer not to have the boat rocked by something or someone which forces them to think outside the box or recognise that the world out there is very different to what they are familiar with. London is for all intents and purposes a very cosmopolitan city with sizeable communities representing all the corners of the globe, yet at the office, we would prefer for everyone to act the same, speak the same, preferably dress either the same or conservatively enough to not bring attention to themselves. I am still baffled by the lack of tolerance shown in the work place – the foreign colleague who would dare bring in their traditional dish which may not be decipherable to the English pallets, will face nothing less than a mini Spanish inquisition. Likewise if you speak differently, for instance with a non British accent, or being American/Canadian/Russian/Nigerian may not necessarily relate to the British sense of humour... this becomes a source of irritation or sniggers for the intolerant majority. Finally should you dare to reflect your brash personality in the open plan offices which we all seem to be cursed with, you will face a barrage stares and probably tuts; mind you no one will ever confront you as this is simply not done. Instead they will express their irritation in a passive aggressive way by shooting evil side glances, willing you to tone it down.

So the question I’m left asking myself constantly is ‘What’s so wrong with being different?’ and why does it make people so intolerant? Perhaps it’s true the world over, that people do not like those who are different to them. I don’t know – however my limited experience of living and working in East and West Africa, France and the USA would suggest otherwise. I found people were amused by my accent in the US but there was no constant effort to get me to assimilate. In France they wanted to taste the unusual food I cooked and quiz me about my origins but in spite of the political mumblings of wanting the immigrants to assimilate into la culture française, I never felt such pressure, perhaps speaking the language was enough assimilation as far as they were concerned. In Africa, I was often the centre of attention being a ‘black muzungu’ or a ‘just come’ but never again was I encouraged or cajoled into being more like those I worked with or socialised with. So I wonder if the problem I face in the UK reflects a British superiority or inferiority complex? Let me explain.....if it is the case that the British believe they are better than everyone else, i.e. the superiority complex then it stands to reason that they would want us all to be like them because of course their way is the better way. On the other hand their irritation for all things different could reflect a fear that the rest of us with our strange language, food and clothes are stark reminders of what they lack. Could it possibly be that we remind the Brits of their eroding culture, or just that their Britishness was never strong enough to withstand outside influence. Many of them will struggle today to define what it means to be British especially with curry being the British national dish. I’m divided as to which of these two is the most accurate reflection, perhaps a bit of both. When I think of the majority of British people I come across though, I think less arrogance and more insecurity. The typical British persona is self-deprecating; unlike the French and the Americans, we are never encouraged to sing our own praises, no matter how incredible we know we are and even when paid a compliment, it’s always best to play it down. Foreigners find this behaviour odd and no doubt a little disingenuous. Furthermore what it has created is a society where we all negate the differences that make us unique in exchange for blandness, and a complete lack of honesty. We know for a fact that we are not all the same; our education, houses, neighbourhoods, salaries tell us so, nonetheless we toe the line, we confine our odd behaviour, strange food, strange dress sense to our four walls so as not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Fortunately there are and will always be the rule breakers, who shout loud and do as they please regardless of what the rest think. They will wear their crazy clothes, have the strange hairstyles and if questioned will quite happily tell you that this is their reality and that where they come from, they blend in just fine.

Somewhere in the middle are some of us who having grown tired of explaining ourselves and our differences, have decided to conform for now but take comfort in the shocked faces when someone else breaks the rules, when a ‘crazy’ joins the open plan office with their odd shouty ways and their loud colours that are not at all this season’s and what on earth is that smelly food coming from the kitchen? We will secretly snigger as everyone else shifts about uncomfortably in their chair willing the strange sounding and looking foreigner to blend in or just go away.